The Idiots' Guide To the Alito Confirmation, part one

Chair...The purpose of this hearing is to determine whether my colleages can trick you into taking their rope, tying a noose in it, then placing it around your neck and jumping off your chair on live television.

Alito...I'll try not to do that, sir.

Sen D...Here is some pretty rope. Do you want to hold it?

Alito...It sure is pretty. I'll pass.

Sen R...That was a bad rope Sen D tried to offer you. I am sure you know how to handle that kind of rope, and am glad you left it alone.

Alito...I know a bad rope when I see it.

Sen D...My rope is pretty. Far prettier than the other ropes. Hold it in your hands and notice how well it is made.

Alito...It sure is pretty, and smooth, too. But, I am not sure it is all that well made. Sure is pretty, though.

Sen D...Notice the length of that rope you are holding, and think of how easy it would be to tie it into a noose for me.

Alito...It sure is long, but I am not sure it would be appropriate for me to tie this rope into a noose. Thanks for asking, though.

Sen R...Here is a piece of rope. You don't want it, do you?

Alito...Sure don't.

Sen D...I think Alito has already had a rope in his hands before these hearings. In fact, I believe there is evidence that he tied the rope into a noose and jumped off a high place with the noose around his neck. I demand that my minions be allowed to prove this thing.

Chair...I don't think so, Sen D.

Sen D...I demand it !!!

Sen R...You are in no position to demand anything, Sen D. However, out of the goodness of my heart, I will allow your minions to pursue this red herring.

Time passes...

Chair...The minions of Sen D searched and searched, but they could find no red herring, nor were there ropes to be found.

Alito...I don't remember the piece of rope Sen D says I had. I never did anything with it, I just, well, I just flirted with it was all.

Sen D...I hope you do your job like I would.

Alito...I'll do the job as well as I can. If approved, that is.

Sen R...I hope you do your job like I would.

Alito...I'm not going to commit to that, either.

Sen D...I hope you do your job like the person you are replacing did. (sniffles)

Alito...That person did the job well, and I'm not sure I'll do as well. I'll just do what I can given what I run across during my tour...if approved, that is.

Sen R...Soon we will vote on you, and at how well we thought you avoided doing bad things with all the rope that was offered to you.

Sen D...I think you wanted to use the rope. I know I wanted you to do so... so that people like me could have your job.



Coming in part two...The Vote